I have been noticing over the last several months a steady decline in my productivity and a steady increase in the amount of time I spend watching youtube art tutorials. I should point out that I have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and have had it all my life. I am 58 now. One of the main symptoms of the disorder is procrastination. But, that said, I have been painting all my life with a fairly steady output of work until the last year or so. It is as if the more I watch online tutorials, the less I believe in my own ability and so I hop and skip from one to another, spending a fortune on new kinds of brushes, paints, paper, palettes and all the rest with each new tutor. My only available work area is the kitchen table and my kitchen looks like an art supplies shop 😁. I live alone for most of each week so my poor daughter only has to endure this mayhem at the weekends.

In the course of my video jumping I finally came upon Olly and I feel more motivated to paint by watching his content than I have by anything else I have watched up to this point. Of course I have just ordered some of the paints and brushes he uses to give me further time to delay putting paint on paper. It's funny, but as I write this, I think I am beginning to understand that I have developed a total lack of confidence in myself and my ability as I know I was a fairly decent painter in the past and was able to sell my work but now have a fear that no matter what I try it will be a hot mess.

I feel as if I have somehow sabotaged myself and have this totally ridiculous and irrational fear of creating a 'bad' painting. It's only a piece of paper, right? No, each piece of paper provides the potential for a great painting and one wrong 'unhappy accident' and it's all over! I think that's it. I'm afraid that each new painting may possibly be the last. Perhaps it is perfectionism and not so much procrastination on it's own that has me stuck. Does anyone else ever feel even a little bit like this? Does anyone have tips to help get you started and not take things so seriously? I know Edo commented recently on the downside of trying to follow the teachings of too many tutors. I may be the prime example of this at work!